Hello Kitty

What happened to me? 9 months ago I extracted myself from a toxic relationship, a relationship filled with mistakes and bad choices over a protracted length of time, based upon false assumptions and poor advices. I let it take my identity, confidence, sense of security, and self-worth. I fought to find myself, to love myself, all the while ripping him outta me like peter parker tries to rip off venom.

I finally did it! I made it through. The air started to smell different; I was smiling again; I was laughing again; I sang in the car carelessly; I danced shamelessly; I stopped looking backwards and started to look forward. Nothing bothered me cuz I was too happy to let trivial things get to me. And it was during that time, I fell for a boy, who kept me smiling more, laughing harder, living better, I was on cloud nine and loving it. Then fear kicked in, “what if……” along with the endless possibilities of uncertainty, insecurity kicked in. “I wonder where he is tonight… he lied to me… he hasn’t txted me… he doesn’t miss me…”. I drowned myself in these thoughts because I’m scared to lose the one thing that has brought happiness into my life. I’ve become attached, and by being attached, I let go my chance of happiness. Bringing me back to 9 months ago.

My whole life I struggled with my father, not the one in front of me, because his smile tells me he has learned to supressed his anger and frustration. But the one in my head, the same one in his head which I can almost see when I look into his eyes. Disappointment, regret, he is a constant reminder of what I will never be. I’m constantly in search of a sense of belonging, family, love. I wanna know what it feels like, to be loved, to be taken care of, to not feel lonely, to not see pain when you look at them. How do I make someone understand that? Someone that couldn’t say sorry when you needed to hear it the most, someone who has no idea what you are going through unless you dot all your i’s and cross all your t’s.

I keep a lot of things to myself, because I wanna keep him, because i know he fell for the girl with the crazy laugh. But I can’t laugh like that anymore. i can barely smile. I feel weak.

How do I go back to just being happy?

Yes, you can have a goodnight kiss. Not everyone wants you only for what you can offer sexually. Not everyone will only behave intimately towards you when you are five minutes from having sex. Someone very soon will care about you in a way that is distinct from their own needs and will want to show you that when they are given the chance. You will feel loved and happy and your desire for this is not irrational.

You can have a romance on your own terms. Maybe this means you want to spend more time sleeping in your own bed or less time having unfulfilling anal sex. Maybe you’d like to go out in public more often or maybe you’d like to go camping or talk about poetry or not watch a sports game. You can have that. Someone will be interested in what you care about just because they care about and are interested in you.

Your relationship can be recognized. Someone will fall in love with you who lets his friends and family know. Who introduces you to them and wants them to like you because they like you. Who won’t call you “my friend” in public and who will write on your Facebook wall and who will pose for pictures with you without cringing or making excuses.

You can communicate without fighting. One of the most important lessons a person can and (hopefully) will learn after their first relationship is that drama doesn’t equal intimacy. Just because you are having frequent, vulnerable, complicated conversations it doesn’t mean your relationship is deep or meaningful. It means you’re both insecure and hurt and it’s damaged beyond repair, probably. You will find someone who likes to talk to you because they think you are funny and interesting and they want your perspective, not to punish or check up on you.

You can feel happy and excited when you are communicated with. On a related note, you need to know that you can get to a place where you feel elated and not anxious when someone communicates with you. Your phone will buzz and you will feel affectionate and not sick to your stomach. 

You can expect someone to care about you as an equal. This involves all levels of reciprocity in a relationship, not the least of which regards your sexual needs. You deserve to be able to clearly communicate what you want and you deserve to have those wants understood and appreciated. You are not a possession or a servant.

You can stop lying to your friends. You will feel infinitely better when you can stop telling your friends that this person and/or your relationship with them is perfect, happy, healthy, normal, etc. Someday you will find a person whose actions speak for themselves and you won’t have to bullshit anybody.

Thinks They’re Black :

Trys To Be Like Everyone

Doesn’t Give A Fuck

Acts Like They’re 5 :

Eats All The Time:

Can’t Dance

Is clumsy as fuck

Has anger management problems

Is kinda paranoid

Isn’t the brightest bulb on the tree

Annoys the shit out of you

But you still love them

(Source: smileslutitssummer)